


Neat

by tsukinotsurugi (forgetfulAmoeba)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Fic, M/M, pls let me know if other tags are needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 08:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19460671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetfulAmoeba/pseuds/tsukinotsurugi
Summary: Levi needs a new place to stay. A crack fic of bad form and poorer substance.





	Neat

**Author's Note:**

> Please be warned that this is terribly irreverent and features the overuse of literary and idiomatic expression.

Levi was in a pickle. Well, more that he was in trouble than that he was getting acquainted with gherkins in ways that don’t bear thinking about. His landlord figured that they could make a lot more by jumping on the bandwagon of putting his place up as a holiday accommodation, and was squeezing him out of it by putting the rent up till it was out of his range, and he desperately needed a new place to stay.

He could practically see the dollar signs in their eyes as they looked around the tiny apartment figuring how many bunk beds they could shove into the place. “Sleeps up to 6.” Sure. His place would make rolling over in your sleep an extreme sport. It had been a dumpster fire of an accommodation which was how he’d gotten it in the first place, and it was perhaps his own fault for fixing things up and turning it around into something respectable. He wished his landlord’s theoretical future guests good luck with regard to the neighbourhood as well, which, although close to the city centre, was frankly not the sort of area one wanted to be an unfamiliar face in. Best case scenario was that the experiment would turn out to be an abject failure and his landlord would offer him his place back a few months down the road.

But that still meant he needed a place to stay now, and as expected, it was hard to find accommodation nearby for the kind of money that he could afford, and anywhere that he could afford was at least an hour’s commute away. On a good day. By car. Which he didn’t have. He was down to the last week of his lease, and thoroughly desperate now, it was time to cast the net wider and reach out to someone he hadn’t kept in touch with for a while.

“Levi? LEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!” squealed Hange, “I haven’t heard from you in AGES! God how have you BEEN? I MISSED You! Why don’t you ever reply to any of my messages? Were you stuck out in some wilderness or something? I was almost starting to think that maybe you died!”

For good reason.

Holding the phone a foot away from his ear did nothing to ease the shrillness of the screeching, and he waited patiently for them to pause for breath before quickly cutting in to explain the situation that he had found himself in.

“So basically, you need a new place to stay, and not much time to find it. Okay okay… you know what, I actually have a pretty good idea who I could ask! Don’t worry, dear! I think I might just have the solution for you! Just let me make a phonecall and I’ll get right back to you!”

Wow, that felt a bit too easy. He couldn’t believe his luck. But the tinnitus would be worth it if it yielded a positive result.

He had just about given up waiting and started to make a cup of tea for himself when his phone rang.

“Okay, so I do have good news for you!! So, there’s this guy I know, Erwin? He’s living in his own place and has an extra room that he’s happy for you to move into.”

Definitely too easy.

“He’s on the opposite side of town from where you are,” _the posh side_ , Levi thought, “but it’s still going to be handy enough for you to get to work, isn’t it?” He’d have to cross the city centre to get back to his side, but it wasn’t too far to walk if need be, and he might even consider getting a bicycle in the future should that prove to be more handy.

“And to top it off, he’s to~tally your type too! Tall, blonde and handsome! I’m sure you’ll hit it off with him!” He could practically hear them waggle their eyebrows at him.

“Fuck off, Hange,” he replied automatically, remembering why he avoided them like the plague in the first place. They were worse than the local village matchmaker, and seemed to take his single status as an affront to their sensibilities.

For a moment, thoughts of lambs to the slaughter came to mind, but beggars weren’t going to be choosers. He knew there were many who would give their right arm, and probably their first born child as well, to live in that location, and he was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

But enough of the animalistic imagery, it was time to get down to business. He arranged to meet Hange on the Saturday at the nearest station where they would make their way over to Erwin’s to finalise matters and see about moving in.

It was too good to be true.

* * *

Turned out, it was.

Granted, it was a lovely apartment in a pretty building in a great location with all the mod cons, or ultramodern in this case, with state of the art appliances. It was just a pity about the state of the place.

Levi thought he’d entered the Apartment from Hell. There were takeaway cartons piled up on the countertop, with dirty dishes and cups dotting the remaining space where they wouldn’t fit into the sink anymore. And that was only the kitchen.

In the living room, stacks of books that would give jenga enthusiasts a run for their money. The likes of a duster or vacuum were obviously foreign objects here. It would be no effort at all to decorate for Halloween: Just Add Fake Spiders!™

He wondered what grievous sin he must have committed in his past life to land himself in this situation, maybe he sent someone to their death or something. Certainly he felt like that warmed over in here. He shuddered to think about what the bathroom was like.

And right in the middle of it, a disheveled, disinterested looking man in a sweatsuit. “Who’s this, Hange?”

“Erwin! It’s Levi, remember? The guy who’s going to live with you!”

Yeowch. Levi winced at the words. That felt too much like jumping the gun a little. He wasn’t sure that he could actually live in such an environment.

“Oh, was that this week?”

Or with such a person, for all the fairness of height, hair colour and features in the world.

“You said that he was neat!!” hissed Levi in the direction of Hange’s ear.

“Um, I said that he was a Neet.”

“Oh. Shit.”

But he couldn’t be burning bridges here, it was either this or be homeless. And This, was going to be a shitstorm, to say the least.

Actually, it already was.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read this before then you know who this is


End file.
